No Such Thing As Coincidence
by Saya Moonshadow
Summary: Kakuzu, stop hitting on underage chicks. Even if they're hot. KakuSaku, slight HidaTema. Slightly AU.


**KakuSaku. Yes, you read that right. Kakuzu x Sakura. Shut up, I like that pairing. Along with Hidan x Temari, another pairing I just all around adore.**

**As the summary states, this is slightly AU, and Sakura is eighteen years old in this. Ayup. Think of it this way: the Akatsuki are still around and whatnot. You get the picture.**

**Disclaimer: ...D:**

**Summary: Kakuzu, you goddamn pedophile, stop hitting on underage chicks. Even if they're hot. KakuSaku, slight HidaTema. Slightly AU.**

**No Such Thing As Coincidence  
By: Saya Moonshadow**

Out of all the missions in the world, they just HAD to get landed with this one, didn't they? The one that included a nightclub in Kemurigakure (the Hidden Smoke Village, God what a shitty place), drunken idiots, and strobe lights.

OK, so maybe the drinking part was alright, except that Kakuzu had the alcohol tolerance of a rock and had never once been drunk in his life. That wasn't for lack of trying, although he HAD wondered on more than one occasion if it was possible to kill his loudmouthed partner through alcohol poisoning. Even Hidan's body wouldn't be able to function if its alcohol level was twice its blood level, right?

Said loudmouthed idiot was off somewhere in the crowd, staking the scene out and enjoying himself while waiting for their quarry to appear. Although Kakuzu could swear that he saw him heading off into a corner with a blonde girl about half an hour ago. He growled. Weren't priests supposed to be, oh I don't know, _celibate_? Then again, Hidan already went against several other laws of nature for the most part, so it stood to reason that he'd defy this one as well.

This sucked. Royally _sucked_. Of course, Pein-sama just HAD to send them after some playboy who owed them money (something he knew was bound to enrage Kakuzu and double his fervor, damn him), and of course said playboy just HAD to frequent the seediest fucking nightclub Kakuzu had ever seen in his life.

It was the place the man was most likely to be, hence the reason why they were here, partying (in Hidan's case) and being a rather pissed off-looking wallflower that scared even the most daring of waitresses away.

He was drumming on the table he sat at badtemperedly and watching the door for their prey to walk in when it happened. Unfortunately, "it" was not him locating the target. "It" was someone being thrown bodily into his table, splitting it in half. He just barely managed to rescue his drink as a young woman came stomping up to the body lying in a daze in the wreckage, picked it up, and gave it a punch that had even Kakuzu wincing.

There was the crack of a jaw being broken, and he took an incredulous look at the culprit.

As he had noticed before, it was a young woman, but she had the oddest hair color he'd ever seen (and he'd seen quite a lot). Bright pink. Pink like bubblegum was pink. He'd never seen anything like it, nor had he ever seen a green quite like her eyes. He suspected this had something to do with the fact that they were burning with rage, but shrugged it off. His own eyes drew remarks quite often, so who was he to talk?

The girl turned to him with a smile as she threw the now-unconscious man away carelessly. "Sorry about that," she said. "I get a little carried away sometimes."

"I hadn't noticed." Kakuzu remarked dryly, looking the man over. "What the hell did he do to deserve THAT?"

She wrinkled her nose. "What else do drunken men do around women?" Her hand drifted unconsciously towards her backside, probably resisting the urge to punch him again just at the memory.

So he'd touched her ass. Big deal. Worse things happened, although Kakuzu supposed she was lucky she had dealt with the problem before it got worse.

To his surprise, she pulled up the chair that Hidan had vacated and sat in it as if she hadn't just beaten someone up and wrecked his table in the same action. She gave him a once-over, and he was suddenly glad he'd left his Akatsuki cloak and usual headgear at the inn he and Hidan were staying at. The fewer people recognized them, the better. And anyone with half a brain would recognize what a slash through his hitai-ate meant. They'd probably be chased halfway back home by a horde of drunken idiots all wanting to collect the bounty on a pair of missing-nins.

"Is there something on my face?" he asked irritably once her staring got annoying. He HATED it when people stared. Yes, he looked weird, what with all the stitches and whatnot. So fucking what. At least he acted somewhat normal, unlike most of the whackjobs he was forced to work with, whose behavior included blowing their own arms off, slaughtering their whole families, eating people and talking to themselves while doing it, and creating dolls - ahem, puppets out of dead bodies. Oh yeah, and calling themselves "good boys".

She shook her head with a slight smile on her face, but didn't answer, which only annoyed him even more. He liked to know the specifics of things, especially when it came to himself.

"Then why are you staring?"

"Just wondering why everyone else is off having a good time and you're sitting here looking like you're about to kill someone."

Kakuzu found himself bristling at this, although he could hardly deny that her assessment was true. Especially the part about killing someone, since that more or less was his mission. "Unlike certain other morons," he snapped, "I have better things to do than make a fool of myself in public."

She gave him a dull look. "Why the hell else would they give everyone all this alcohol? So people can be stupid all they want and not have to worry about anyone else remembering it, duh."

He had to admit that he'd never thought it of it that way.

"And besides, what else IS there to do at a nightclub? Loosen up already. Come on, I'll even dance with you if you're too shy to go find a partner."

"I hate dancing."

"Hmph," she huffed, looking him up and down again, "at least you didn't say 'I don't dance'. That's the oldest excuse in the book."

While she talked, he couldn't help but marvel at the fact that she hadn't said a word thus far about his appearance. In fact, she hardly seemed to care, which was a first. He went nowhere without some asshole making some sort of comment about the way he looked, with or without his mask.

Didn't stop him from snorting at her words, though. "What are you going to do, offer to teach me?"

"Of course," she smiled, and he blinked in shock. "So get up already. I don't have all night."

"No."

She ignored him and grabbed his hand, yanking him up with strength that belied her slim form. Only the fact that he had to remain inconspicuous kept him from unleashing his threads on her and starting a massacre. ...that, and the fact that she actually was very pretty, and he was fairly certain that this was without the help of make up or genjutsu. Real looks were rare enough in this day and age that they had to be preserved.

...although in Hidan's case, he was willing to make an exception.

So, instead of unleashing his threads and starting a ruckus like he wanted to (if for nothing else than to release the frustration of their fucking target not showing up even though it had been three fucking hours), he allowed her to drag him into the crowd, where the strobe lights cast her into a strange light and made his head spin.

Odd. He'd never had this effect before.

Maybe his long-held quest to get drunk had finally been completed! He HAD drunk about four bottles of sake so far, after all...

"I think," he said as she positioned them somewhat awkwardly due to his height (he had to be at least eight inches taller than her), "that I should at least know the name of the person who has just decided to kidnap me."

Moreover, what village was she from? She wasn't wearing a headband that he could see, but that didn't necessarily mean she wasn't a kunoichi. After all, he wasn't wearing his hitai-ate and neither was Hidan, and that didn't make them any less of the S-class criminals that they were.

"Sakura," she replied, giving him another bright smile. "And yours?"

For some reason, he decided she could be trusted with the information. "Kakuzu."

"Interesting name." she said, and began moving, him copying her somewhat awkwardly - he'd never been a dancer, and hadn't intended to start. Funny how fate tended to throw things at you like that.

He had long ago come to the conclusion that she was obviously drunk, simply because she hadn't screamed and ran away at the sight of him, and then forced him to dance with her. And damn him, the one time he might have managed to get a little tipsy (which would thus cloud his judgment), it just HAD to be tonight. He hated his luck.

"Your name suits you." he pointed out, steering the conversation away from himself. If she started asking questions, there would be trouble.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "You're about the millionth person to tell me that," she told him flatly. "My parents weren't very imaginative, as I'm sure you can tell. Oh well, at least they didn't name me 'Rose' or something."

"That would have been much more cliché," Kakuzu agreed, and vaguely wondered just why the hell he was bothering to have a conversation with this woman. Maybe he really WAS drunk for once.

Except that he could still think clearly, which was not, from his experience watching Deidara and Kisame on Friday nights, one of the side effects of alcohol.

"I wouldn't ordinarily come here," she said, glancing off to the side with a nervous laugh, "but I'm helping someone with a...problem here, and this is where it led us."

He raised a brow at her. "Odd place to go for a mission." Then again, he couldn't exactly talk...

"We're just unwinding right now." she replied. The fact that he had just uncovered her hidden meaning seemed to mean nothing to her. Maybe she didn't care. Though as long as he didn't know just what it was all about, he supposed, it didn't really matter. "But we were also told that the guy we're looking for comes here often, so that's another reason. God I can't wait for him to show up so we can just get this crap over with and go home."

Yes. She was definitely drunk. And her mission sounded oddly familiar. Probably because his was the exact same. Except hers probably wasn't an assassination mission. Otherwise he doubted she would have told him about it, drunk or not. Certain training came from being a shinobi, and how to handle one's tongue while inebriated was part of it.

Although he'd never had to worry about it, never having gotten drunk before. Bugger. If he was starting to get tipsy now, there was no telling what he might blurt out.

At least it wasn't Hidan in his place. That he was extremely grateful for.

...speaking of which, just where the hell was he, anyway? Probably still off in the corner with the blonde chick. Said blonde chick had had four ponytails. Not exactly a common hairstyle, come to think of it. She was probably foreign too.

The song ended, and Kakuzu tried to take a step back, relieved that he could finally go back to the wreckage of his table and commence being a murderous wallflower again. And get back to scouting the area for his quarry.

Except that Sakura kept a surprisingly firm hold on his shirt, thus not allowing him to move.

He cut her an annoyed glance, once again tempted to go full thread mode if it meant releasing some of the aggravation that had steadily been building up inside of him all night. "Let go."

"Nope." Any doubts of her not being drunk immediately went out of his head. Definitely drunk. No other explanation. "You're the first man I've talked to here not to try to get in my pants straight off, and I'm going to savor that as long as I can, dammit. So don't even THINK of going back to your little emo corner any time soon."

...OK, so maybe she wasn't drunk, but just a little weird in the head. Same thing.

"Who in their right mind would want to dance with ME?" he muttered to himself, but she heard him anyway.

"Your self-esteem sucks. It's nice finding someone with actual manners around here."

"Listen, you--"

"Kakuzu, you goddamn pedophile!" called a very familiar, very _annoying_, voice from behind him. "Stop hitting on underage chicks. Even if they're hot. Hotness's not 'scuse for pedophilia, seriously."

The gods really hated him, apparently.

He glared over at Hidan, who had rather conveniently strolled up behind him. The religious man was looking as unruffled and picture-perfect as ever, if only it weren't for the slightly messy look of his hair at the moment. It was sad that Kakuzu had been around him long enough to tell, although he ignored this in favor of giving his partner a glare that would have stopped an erupting volcano in its tracks.

"Shut the hell up and die, Hidan."

"No, seriously," Hidan grinned, gaze firmly on Sakura, who was now smiling unsurely. "Never knew you were the type to go for minors. Way to fuckin' go, you pedophile."

"...I'm eighteen." Sakura informed him, but Hidan ignored this to start telling Kakuzu about his night so far. Obviously he was ignoring the fact that Kakuzu had been in the middle of dancing with someone, and that this someone was obviously NOT afraid of his odd appearance. For once.

"Dude, you shoulda been there, I totally just met this bitch at the bar and let me tell you, man, she was HOT! Never seen anything like her, seriously. Not too many chicks threaten to cut off your dick when you flirt with them. And she didn't get all weirded out when I told her about my religion either!"

"Why don't you marry her then, if she's so wonderful?"

The silver-haired man grinned. "Wouldn't be such a bad idea. Fucking every night with her'd be awesome, provided she didn't threaten to cut my dick off again."

Kakuzu winced at his partner's crudeness, as he usually did. He was surprised this hadn't scared Sakura off by now. Hidan tended to have that effect on people. The ones who weren't just totally star-struck by his appearance, anyway.

Damn pretty-faced bastard. He included Itachi, Sasori, and Deidara in that, too.

And maybe Zetsu. Except that most people tended not to be attracted to guys who had giant Venus flytraps encircling most of their upper bodies.

Sakura giggled a bit. "My friend does that a lot. She's a little, ah, unforgiving sometimes."

_Must not get mad that she's paying attention to him, must not rip Hidan's head off in public--_

"Anyway, it was great, man, I totally just got some action in the corner with this bitch! Seriously, best I've ever had--"

"Hidan," Kakuzu said testily, attempting to let him know through glares that _his conversation was NOT fucking appreciated in the LEAST_, "I would appreciate it if you would go away and leave us alone. It was much nicer without you here."

Hidan scoffed. "FINE, just because you're too fucking shy to hook up with anyone, that's no excuse to just fucking take it out on me, seriously!" He stalked off huffily, probably to go find his make out partner again. "I hope you fucking die a virgin!" he called over his shoulder, and Kakuzu visibly twitched, the urge to go after him and rip him limb from limb almost overwhelming.

He was stopped by a hand on his arm, and turned his eyes to Sakura's, shocked to see her actually grinning. "Interesting friend you have," she laughed. "The one I'm here with has nothing on him."

"It would be ironic if she were the one he was just talking about," Kakuzu muttered badtemperedly, but allowed her to lead him back into another dance, the song already half over by the time Hidan's little "episode" was over.

God he just wanted to get this shit over with and go home. No amount of naturally pretty girls who didn't care about the way he looked could sway him of this. Back to doing invoices and keeping the rest of the Akatsuki from spending all their money on mundane things...

"It would be," she agreed, then stopped, staring at the entrance under his arm. He glanced over his shoulder and froze as well.

It was him. Their mission target was here at last! Now all he had to do was excuse himself without getting her suspicious and find a way to confront the bastard without causing a scene--

"Excuse me," Sakura said as he opened his mouth to say the same thing, and before he could object, she had released him and hurried off towards the light-haired man that had just walked through the door.

How fucking ironic. Not only were their respective mission partners most likely hooking up in the corner, but they also had a common target. Who the hell ever said that there was such a thing as coincidence?

He watched as Sakura grabbed the man's arm and attempted to talk to him, and gave a small grin at the frustration on her face when he brushed her off in favor of walking towards the bar and the large group of women that sat around it.

Time for him to make his own move then. He doubted she'd come looking for him again.

Out of curiosity, he chanced a glance at her again as he made his way over to his target, and saw her locking eyes with the blonde woman that Hidan had gone off with earlier. Currently, this blonde woman was busily holding said religious man in a headlock (he always knew Hidan was a masochist, but really), and he saw her give Sakura a short nod. Like Sakura, she wore no hitai-ate, and her clothes were the same as any other young woman's in this nightclub. But there was no doubt she was a kunoichi. Her whole face and way of moving gave it away, not to mention the fact that she had somehow managed to get Hidan in a headlock that he was having some trouble breaking out of. Not too many people were capable of that.

Sakura moved behind the target, and the blonde woman released Hidan, saying something to him as she started off towards the bar as well. To her obvious dismay, the Jashinist followed her, grabbing her shoulder and yelling at her. Kakuzu rolled his eyes. Way to give the game away.

Still, maybe their mission WAS to kill the target, just as his was. That would certainly explain the care of their movements, and the way that Sakura was maneuvering through the crowd to get to the bar.

If that was so, then there was no point in getting involved. This way, he wouldn't have to get his own hands dirty on the swine's blood, and he'd still be able to get the money they were owed in the end. Not to mention revenge for all the trouble he'd put them through. Getting owned by a girl - even a pretty one - had to be pretty humiliating.

He watched as Sakura subtly pulled a kunai out of her sleeve and continued to sneak up behind the man. She was keeping the kunai hidden by her arm, and the only reason he knew it was even there was because he'd seen the almost casual flick of her wrist as it had slid loose into her hand.

Not bad. No one besides himself had noticed it, after all, and the only reason he'd noticed it was because he was staring - _watching_ her. That took some skill.

She had just about reached him when Hidan apparently reached the end of his rope with the blonde woman he was following around. Just as Sakura pulled her arm back to stab her target in the neck, the silver-haired man let out a yell of frustration and stepped in front of the blonde woman, who, probably more out of shock than anything else, gave him a hard shove.

He slammed into Sakura, who in turn slammed right into her quarry, losing her kunai in the process with a yelp. It clattered to the floor, and all eyes turned to stare at her as she hit the bar hard enough to knock the wind out of her.

Her target, on the other hand, actually flipped over the bar and straight onto the barmaid from the force of her hitting him, causing the bottles of various brands of booze lined up in the niches on the wall to all fall to the ground with a huge crash Kakuzu was fairly sure would be heard all the way back at the Akatsuki's lair.

The fallen man stared up at Sakura through bangs wet with alcohol and snarled at her. The next moment, he was leaping at her, two knives suddenly in his hands and rage twisting his face.

Ordinarily Kakuzu wouldn't have been worried, but she looked so fragile, too feminine to deal with this kind of crap (despite the fact that he'd seen her punch someone's face in not an hour ago), and he actually started forward to help when she neatly avoided the knives and punted her attacker straight into Hidan.

Hidan had just been picking himself up off the floor and was already in a heated argument with the blonde woman about whose fault it was when the man he was supposed to be hunting crash-landed onto him. He went down again with a roar of, "OWW! FUCKING SHIT!" and the brawl was officially started.

Kakuzu watched, completely bemused, as suddenly bloody everyone in the room began to fight to the death, and finished his charge forward, drawing one of his own kunai and plunging it into his target's chest upon impact, killing him instantly.

Perhaps the sudden bar brawl was a good thing, he mused, as everyone else was too busy tearing each other to shreds to notice what had just happened.

Everyone except Sakura, who was staring at him wide-eyed. And Hidan and the blonde woman, both of whom were also staring at him, the former with amusement and the latter with shock.

Kakuzu sighed. Well, at least now they had an excuse to get out of here, although he'd officially just succeeded in scaring off the first person to not make a comment about his stitches since he'd first gotten them. He slung the body over his shoulder and then grabbed Hidan by the shirt and began to drag him out. "Let's go." he said shortly, but was stopped by the hand that was suddenly on his arm.

Looking down, he was met with green eyes and pink hair.

Sakura smiled up at him uncertainly and he stared down at her impassively, wondering just what the hell she was doing.

"So that was what you were here for?" she asked.

Briefly, he considered dodging her question, but decided it wasn't worth it. After all, she'd just seen him plunge a kunai into the guy's heart. That was enough to incriminate him right there.

"Yes." He gave a short nod, tightening his grip on Hidan as the silver-haired man made a lunge to get back to the blonde woman, who was standing a few feet away and scowling at him.

"Sakura, I don't think--" she said, but Sakura held up her other hand.

"It's OK, Temari. They just took care of our target for us, so what does it matter?"

The blonde woman - Temari - looked as though she wanted to say something else, but settled for glowering once more at Hidan, who was more than happy to give her a cheeky grin, most likely for the sole purpose of pissing her off.

"Well, cool." Sakura surprised him by giving him a bright smile. "Saved us the trouble, didn't it?" Her smile was infectious, although he didn't quite let it do anything more than turn the corners of his mouth upwards.

"I didn't do it for you."

"Obviously; you didn't even know he was my target till now," she said, and he frowned at her cheekiness. "But still, thanks. I'm guessing you were after him for his thievery too, right?"

"He did more than that," Temari turned her glower on Sakura for a split second. "He was threatening to spill a bunch of villages' secrets. He had to be eliminated."

Ah. So THAT was why Pein had assigned this as an assassination mission instead of a mere recovery. That, and the fact that the guy owed them more than three million ryou, of course. One did not borrow that amount from the Akatsuki and then not pay it back in a timely manner. It was a fatal mistake, which had just been proved here tonight.

Kakuzu decided he just didn't care anymore. All they needed to do now was bring the body to its former hideout and let the fuckers in charge know that they owed money. A LOT of money. And that the same fate awaited them if it wasn't paid, and fast. And then, of course, go home and report back to Pein.

"Hm." he grunted and turned to leave, tugging Hidan along. He was aware of the lecherous grin on his partner's face and the redness on Temari's cheeks, but ignored it. He REALLY didn't want to imagine what was going on in Hidan's head right now. And this guy was supposed to be a freaking priest.

Something slipped into his pocket, and he turned around to find the source of it, but when he did, both Sakura and Temari were gone and Hidan was muttering under his breath about fucking blonde teases that kiss and run.

Kakuzu, as usual, blocked him out and, after releasing his grip on his partner, quietly reached into his pocket to retrieve whatever it was that had just been slipped into it. It was a slip of paper with a note written in neat, elegant handwriting that he'd never seen before.

_You're actually not that bad at dancing, you know._

_--Sakura_

_P.S. In three weeks I'm going to be in Kusagakure on another mission._

He pocketed it with a grin, making a mental note to cancel any and all appointments three weeks from now. He hadn't had a vacation in a while, and he'd heard that Kusagakure was simply amazing this time of year.

That was the only reason he was thinking of going. Really.

X x X

"Hey, Kakuzu and Hidan are back, you guys, un! Took 'em long enough."

"Hn. I assume you two managed to complete your mission?"

"Shove it up your ass, Itachi," Hidan snapped as he and Kakuzu stepped through the doorway of the Akatsuki's lair. "And you too, pansy," he shot at Deidara, who had just opened his mouth to make a snide remark.

"We completed the mission." Kakuzu said calmly, then glanced around the room. "Where is Leader-sama?"

Deidara broke off from throwing insults at Hidan for a moment. "Upstairs arguing with Konan-chan, I think," he said. "So it might be a while b'fore you can make your report, un."

The now-remasked man sighed exasperatedly and sat down on the couch in the middle of the room. "Whatever."

"Soooo, how'd it go?" Deidara asked, plopping down next to him. "Was there a lot of blood, un?"

"Hell no," Hidan snarled, then brightened up considerably, remembering. "But I got some chick's number. And so did stitch-face here."

The entire room went quiet at that, and Kakuzu had to carefully suppress the urge, for the millionth time, to turn his partner into mincemeat.

"No way." Deidara said, a huge grin on his face. "No freaking way, un. _Kakuzu_ got some action?"

Before Kakuzu could speak up to defend his dignity, Hidan did it for him. Except without the "defending his dignity" part. "Psh, hell no. All they did was dance and do that shitty little 'stare into my eyes' romance crap. Me, I got some REAL action. With tongues and shit."

The thought of Kakuzu dancing with someone was enough to make even Itachi drop his mask of calm, and both the Uchiha and the blonde artist stared at the Taki-nin with unabashed awe.

Thoroughly annoyed, Kakuzu stood and punched Hidan square in the jaw, relishing the crack as his fist met it. "I did not get her number," he informed them as he made his way towards the stairs that led to his room, but then stopped with one foot on the bottom step and turned back to them with wicked eyes.

"But I DID set up a rendezvous with her, which is more than any of you can brag about."

And with that, he marched upstairs, leaving three shocked missing-nins behind him.

X x X

**END**

X x X

**AN: Hm, kinda OOC, yes? Whatever, it's late and I haven't slept in forever. Blasted insomnia. It does things to you, not being able to sleep.**

**I purposely kept any big time romantic crap out of this, as I honestly can't see Kakuzu getting romantic the first time around. However, I don't think he's without a slightly playful side, and I'm sure he'll enjoy whatever it is he and Sakura will get up to three weeks from now. Haha.**

**Please don't ask for a sequel, by the way. On several of my other **_**Naruto**_** fics, people have done that, and I RARELY write sequels to oneshots. It's ended, over and done with.**

**Anyway, please review and tell me what you thought!**


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